This is the first in our Dating After Divorce series.
Temperatures are turning. We’ve stopped having to take three showers a day just to maintain body equilibrium. Fall is around the corner. And there’s something divorcées need to keep in mind, especially if this is your first season as a divorced lady — cuffing season is around the corner.
Now, I have no idea if people still use this, but the term aside, it’s an interesting time of year.
Cuffing season refers to a period of time where single people begin looking for short term partnerships to pass the colder months of the year. Cuffing season usually begins in October and lasts until just after Valentine’s Day. The use of the word cuff references handcuffs, but is slang in the same vein as “hooking up” or “getting hitched.”
— Merriam-Webster
What to know about cuffing season
Dating after divorce is overwhelming and confusing. And while there are a ton of articles and resources out there about to go on the apps or not, one thing that’s not talked about much is that it is different to start dating as someone getting out of a marriage. For starters, most likely you were in a long-term, exclusive, closed, monogamous relationship. Most often called a marriage.
🙂
If you were together with your now ex- for a significant amount of time in that form, then that is the pattern of relationship that you’re conditioned to look for.
Which means that now that you’ve gone through a relationship like that. You have a beautiful opportunity to take a hard look at that, figure out what bits of that relationship worked for you, and which ones didn’t, and you can do away with.
But doing that kind of work takes time.
In the “best” case, I’d recommend not dating for a while after you divorce. Give yourself time to reset.
But sometimes, we want to have sex. Get laid. Ask for what we want in bed. Flirt, knowing that we can chase the flirt as far as we want it to go.
Most likely, you’re going to end up dating someone again. In whatever form that means. The challenge here, is to do it with awareness of what you’re doing, which is hard.
This is something I feel really passionate about. Part of my work here at Dispatched Divorcée is to make sure that the “answer” to all of the pain and shifting that happened around getting divorced is not fall in love and get married again.
Fuck that.
Which is why when I see posts from divorce content creators (haha, like me!) advocate that the divorce is or will be worth it when you find a partner who loves you, sees you, is everything that you deserve, I’m torn — on the one had, yes, we all deserve love and a partner who is aligned with us; on the second — NO! DO NOT TELL PEOPLE WITH BROKEN HEARTS THAT LOVE IS THE ANSWER AGAIN.
NO. NO. NO.
The beginning of our dating after divorce series
So, fine. You’re going to date. I know you are. So, if you’re going to participate in cuffing season — whether it’s intentional or not — let’s practice safe cuffing.
Here’s what I mean:
- Know what you want
- Reprogram your brain
- Make it pleasurable
And probably some more to add to this list.
I’m building all this out in the form of blog posts, articles, resources, etc., essentially building the dating guide for divorced women and making it feminist. This is the first in our Dating After Divorce series.
If you’d like to join me and the Dispatched Divorcée community in saying no to cuffing season by learning how to practice safe cuffing, fill out this form, and I’ll put you on the email list as I publish each of these resources.
xo,
Laura
P.S. Please understand that the use of “cuffing season” and saying “no to cuffing season” is an homage to the “say no to drugs” and D.A.R.E. movement in the US in the 90s.
