When we are young, life requires us to make choices that seem to define the course of our lives, such as: what school to attend, what to study, what profession we choose, who our partner will be and whether or not to have children. In making those choices we meet like-minded people: those who have chosen the same things and (at least in part) share our underlying values and needs. We become friends with these people and spend our time with them.
Then suddenly our life changes involuntarily: we are going through disease, we get fired from our jobs, we are unable to have children (although we wanted to), our friends and family pass away, or our partner leaves us and we get divorced. These are life events that can feel vastly out of our control and like life isn’t going according to plan. When these things happen, we often lose friendships. They may no longer suit us or there is a lack of understanding or connection for our new situation.
It begs the question: how do we find new friends and connections?
I myself am not divorced, but I have had my own share of difficulties. A few years ago I suffered from a severe burn-out. In the process I lost two of my closest friendships. For about a year and a half, I felt terribly lost and alone. Lonely even. While everyone seemed to be out doing fun things now that life had started up again after COVID-19 (FOMO is real), I barely had anyone to even turn to for a hug, a coffee or a conversation. However, now that I’m three years ahead, I have the best social life I’ve ever had. In this article, I’ll share my personal experiences on how I got there.
Where do we find new friends?
Here are a few suggestions…
- Be your own friend first
This may not be the answer you expected, but it’s most important to be your own friend first. People, but especially women, can be overly hard on themselves. We don’t believe we are kind enough, thin enough, pretty enough, fun enough, relaxed enough or smart enough to have friends.
Start by talking to yourself as if you were talking to a good friend. What would you advise her to do, if she was in your situation? Would you judge her or would you tell her to take all the time she needs to process? Would you encourage her to grieve?
Follow your own advice and see what it brings you. You are already enough.
If you’re not used to it, build your confidence by doing (small) things by yourself. Visit an art fair, a farmers market, a library, a museum, a coffee shop, restaurant or go to the cinema alone to see that chickflick type of film your ex never wanted to see. This is your chance to do exactly what YOU want, not taking into account anyone else’s needs and desires. If you’re worried about what other people might think of you being there alone: actively decide you just don’t care. It helps to realise there could be many reasons for doing things alone and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
- The Outer Circle
A good place to start making friends in others is close to home. You may know people who are not in your inner circle, but more so in your ‘outer circle’. Acquaintances. People we considered friends many years ago, but who we’ve lost touch with. (Former) co-workers, neighbours, women who work at our supermarket, hairdresser, doctor’s office, women who always take the same bus, women who walk their dog at the same time we do or women who bring their kids to the same school or daycare.
I myself reconnected with a former friend who I used to be in a book club with, when I lived in another city. We got to talking about books, about our lives and discovered we’re both salsa dancers. We now go dancing every month and we’ve even started spending vacations together. She’s one of my current best friends.
A few things I learned from this reconnection were: you don’t have to pretend everything is okay, when it’s not. At the same time, especially during the first meeting after reconnecting, don’t trauma dump on someone who you haven’t seen in a long time. A good medium would be to tell them you recently got divorced and that you’re struggling to adjust, but not to go into the details of the marriage and/or what caused the divorce immediately, unless asked.
The other person may not have the emotional space to provide support to someone they haven’t been close with in a while. Sometimes the other person only asks, because they too need someone to share their hardships with. Ask yourself if you have the emotional space to provide support to someone else right now.
In my experience, it’s most helpful to be a little selfish at this point in your life, by spending time with energetic and positive people. If both new friends are going through a rough patch, it can make the dynamic negative and that can be draining. Instead, seek out positivity (or at the very least neutrality). Use reconnecting with people as a distraction of negativity and try to bring your thoughts back to the here and now.
- Strangers
A second way to make new friends is through new interests and activities. I highly recommend signing up for art classes, yoga lessons, dancing, hiking, running, mountain biking or other sports, book clubs, board game clubs or anything that floats your boat. Doing something you enjoy can fire inspiration as well as routine. It can give you something social to look forward to, while building confidence because you’re gaining a new skill.
Another option is to volunteer for a cause that speaks to you: a library, a school, a refugee center, a religious institute (church, mosque, synagogue etc.), a charity. This is especially good for women who currently don’t have a job and/or who were stay-at-home wives. It allows you to add to society and you’ll soon find that giving is gaining.
Of course, you could also start looking for paid work or create small paid work yourself. Perhaps you can babysit or petsit for a family, start writing a book or poetry, painting, designing, sowing, cooking/baking etc. Anything you make can potentially be sold.
If you’re still in the early stages after divorce and you feel lost, connecting with other divorcees through groups (just google if there are any initiatives close to you) can also help, but has a risk of focusing on the divorce.
Another great option are things organised for singles. Many agencies organise single travel/tours/weekends away that you can join, some specific to single parents. For some, the object of these trips may be to find someone new, but that doesn’t have to be the primary goal. I’ve joined some of these and made a lot of new friends (both male and female), that I continue to see outside of the travel organisation. We keep in touch through whatsapp communities and/or social media.
How do you make friends?
How do you go from ‘being in the same club/job/class’ to being ‘friends’ with someone? Obviously, many of us are shy and scared to talk to strangers. We’re afraid they won’t be interested, that their lives are already full of friends and that we will be rejected.
There isn’t any way to entirely prevent those feelings, because those things can indeed happen. It certainly helps to know that we ALL feel that discomfort and uncertainty. Also, scientific studies show that many adults are increasingly lonely and wish they had more friends.
Making friends happens by connecting. Ways to make that happen is by giving first.
- Give someone a compliment, for example: “That is a really beautiful yoga mat. Can I ask where you bought it?”
- Give someone the opportunity to advise you. Or in other words: ask someone for advice. The reason this works well is that people enjoy being considered knowledgeable or even experts on certain matters. For example: “I noticed you were reading a book about xyz. Is it good?” or “I heard you say you have teenagers too. I’m looking at schools for my children in the area. Any advice you can give me?” or “I just moved to this neighbourhood. Do you know any good places for xyz?” or “I heard your husband is a lumberjack, can I ask for advice on a good hatchet?”
- Give your own help and/or enthusiasm. For example you know of a co-worker who is a vegetarian. “I noticed a new café opening on xyz street. They had a lot of vegetarian choices on the menu and I thought of you. You should really try it some time.”
Many of these are conversation starters. Some people may then automatically invite you to activities/events. If that doesn’t happen, you can take matters into your own hands:
- Invite someone along to things you’re doing. Best to start by inviting someone who you’ve talked to a few times to an event around a shared interest. For example: “I’m going to the opening of this art gallery next Wednesday evening. You should join!” It works because you’re going there regardless (see above: be your own friend). This takes the pressure off the invitee to say yes and makes any rejection less mortifying at the same time. If they decline, they’re missing out.
- Organise an event yourself, such as a house warming (you can invite your new neighbours), a crafts afternoon, a board game night, a festive lunch. Invitees must be those who you can reasonably expect would be interested in the activity and available. It really helps to put an effort into the invitation and the event itself. You can use online services such as Canva (free) to make the most beautifully designed invitations or posters.
- Finally, you can choose to be vulnerable and honest. Tell people you’re struggling to find a new circle after a divorce. Would they be interested in doing xyz?
I wish all of you the best of luck in this new chapter in life and in finding a new version of yourself that may have different but equally wonderful sides and friends to match.
Mirjam was born in The Netherlands in a loving family with two sisters. She’s currently 37 and living by herself, in a lovely high-ceiling apartment in a medium-sized city. She works as a lawyer, specialising in helping women achieve equal pay and opportunities, as well as fight various forms of discrimination.
In her free time, Mirjam enjoys costume parties, salsa dancing, yoga, hiking and travelling, as well as reading and board games. You can see more of her legal work or follow her on Instagram.
