We might not talk openly about the compromises necessary for relationships to succeed but wow are we quick to fight when the bargains we’ve made become an issue. Whether it’s due to financial, time or energy constraints, it’s not always possible to do everything that you want to do, whenever you want to do it, especially as part of a couple.
This means that there are times when we gave up something we really loved doing, all because we felt like we had to. It took too much time or you felt selfish for indulging. Or even worse, in my case, because a guy asked me to. Heartbreaking, I know.
We don’t like to admit that we do it, but perhaps you can relate. Whether it’s giving up that hobby, that friend, that thing that was yours but that you put to the side because of your ex. Of course he may not have explicitly asked you, but our interests as women tend to be considered of less importance to what men are into. How much are we willing to give up, why we’re willing to do it and what happens when you reclaim those things?
For me personally, I filed for divorce the day before my four-year wedding anniversary so that I wouldn’t have to see him on that day. Instead, on what would have been my anniversary, I went up on stage at an open mic at a dive bar. Making fun of my divorce and doing it by returning to the stage and to performing, the very thing that he asked me not to do, was extra delicious. Getting laughs at his expense, combined with the attention I received after my set, made it easily the best decision I could have made. What better way of commemorating my divorce than killing on stage.
Another one was that I stopped going to see live music when I was with my ex-husband. He enjoyed going to shows but didn’t want to spend his money on it so I ended up seeing a few gigs by myself. Eventually, I just stopped going. After my divorce, I had a new friend invite me to a big music festival taking place in Las Vegas. Stage after stage of music, over Halloween weekend, with a group of people we knew. It sounded too good to be true and like something I never would have done while married to my ex.
That’s how I knew I had to go. I shared a hotel room with my friend and between us, we had brought a few different Halloween costumes. Seeing the music, dancing with friends, dressing up as someone else and reminding myself how much I loved the experience of a live concert – it was an excellent way to get back in touch with activities that were important to me before my marriage. Seeing Beck dressed as a boy scout didn’t hurt either.
What about you? What did you give up for your ex? Is there some activity that you want to reclaim? An obsession that you set to the side so that you could do stuff as a couple? Let us know.
